I’m struggling now to find out what is wrong with me. The chronic pain is peeling off the layers of my strength and determination. Things are deteriorating in my body in other places besides my stomach. I am no longer hiding my discomfort, but I am trying to hide my fear. I know now my dream of leaving will have to be postponed until I’m better. I’m still thinking this is just a bad case of something and I will get better. Losing control of my body is causing me to lose control of my life. I’m swinging between despair and determination as the realization I am helpless covers me like a foreboding dark shadow. These are the last entries I found before I will slip into a coma. I will tell that story too from the doctor’s recollections and from mine which was a voyage to another realm.
Journal entry – November 1988
It’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m still living with this awful aching pain in my stomach. I’ve missed my first day of work today but will drag myself in tomorrow. I feel weak and unable to chase down the waiting orders as fast as I did before. My old black waitress shoes from Walmart feel like I’m wearing concrete blocks. I quit using the huge food trays because I can’t seem to lift them stacked with the heavy earthenware platters laden with food. Of course, this means I have to make a lot of trips back to the kitchen instead of just one. I am falling behind here at home with chores. The girls are helping by doing the laundry and getting their little brother ready for school. I’m disgusted with myself for getting this sick.
Journal entry – December – 1988
I missed two days of work in a row this week. The boss is concerned and insisted I go to her doctor or my hours would have to be cut drastically. So, I went today, and he took lab work, but nothing stood out as a problem. It was $155 that I was guarding in my travel money, but I needed those hours at work and was hoping some medicine would cure what I had. He said I needed extensive additional tests that they could only do in the hospital. That is impossible of course with no insurance and no one I trusted to watch over the children. I am consumed with fatigue tonight and my muscles quiver like Jell-O to keep me upright.
Journal entry – December next morning
I woke this morning still exhausted and when I put my feet on the floor, I could not feel them. They were numb and tingling. I rubbed them, elevated them but nothing works. Whatever has invaded my body is advancing every day. I am now truly scared. I want so badly to get through Christmas as it is a favorite holiday for us. I tried to get dressed but I am so feeble it’s impossible without one of my girls helping me. I have no fever so must not have an infection I’m thinking. My body is literally shutting down. Reluctantly I asked the kids to call me in sick to work again. What will become of my children if this is incurable? I am totally alone here as my family are scattered in different states and the only other adult is the toxic relationship I’m trying to leave. I don’t know what to do next.
Journal entry – Christmas 1988
I made it until Christmas but did not really enjoy it. My travel money has dwindled down so when I recover, I will have to start over, maybe we can shoot for Spring Break. I never returned to Western Sizzlin Restaurant because of my condition. I tried to work a few hours in the KOA store because I thought sitting on a stool cashiering would not be hard physically but as I stumbled home I fell face forward in the dirt and the kids had to help me up. My life is closing in on me fast. I’m depressed and terror stricken that I will never get better. My legs as well as my feet are completely numb now. My hands and fingers feel like they are asleep, and my skin is hypersensitive. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I feel like I’m dragging around an extra 200 pounds. I’m trying not to cry but ominous feeling envelops me.